One of the biggest changes in personal finance in recent years is how money factors into the compatibility of people who are dating. Talking about money used to be something you did once you were well into a relationship. Today, it’s normal for dating conversations to cover debt, spending and savings habits and long-term financial goals like home ownership. To find out more about how personal finance factors into dating today, I invited Damona Hoffman to do a newsletter Q&A. Ms. Hoffman is a dating coach, host of the Dates & Mates podcast and a blogger. Here’s an edited version of our exchange by e-mail:
Q: How do you project your best self in a financial sense on a first and second date?
A: There is so much shame today around finances in dating. Many of my Dates & Mates podcast listeners write in about feeling unworthy of a match because of debt or financial challenges, but the reality is that many people are struggling with finances today and you have to still project yourself with confidence on a first or second date, even if your financial situation isn’t your most attractive quality. While I don’t necessarily recommend bringing up finances on a first or second date, we are seeing a trend that singles are sharing financial goals early on and looking for a match they can build a life with financially and in other ways.
Q: Money-wise, what are the biggest financial turn-offs when you’re dating?
A: The data show that singles, particularly Millennials and Gen Z daters, are turned off by debt and dating someone who makes less than them. However, the reality is that many of these daters are carrying debt themselves or not yet at the income level they wish for. As gender roles and social structures have shifted, we are being called to update our expectations around finance and dating. Classic turn-offs like taking someone to a lower-end restaurant, a free/low-cost date, or asking to split the check no longer mean what they did a decade ago.
Q: What if you’re dating someone who can afford to spend a lot more on tickets, events, restaurants?
A: I believe in equality. Each person should bring something to the table that is of value to the other person and often that value does not come from money. If you’re in a mixed-income relationship, it’s important to align expectations around who pays and what level of experiences you’re each comfortable with. If one partner is going to foot the bill for the majority of dates, the other partner needs to feel that the value they are bringing in other ways are worthwhile or the relationship will always feel unbalanced. I tell my clients if they are feeling uncomfortable, to offer up alternative experiences and put effort into finding activities that both parties can do together that won’t present a financial strain.
Q: What if you’re dating a financial keener and you’re indebted, not saving for the future?
A: In any relationship, compromise is important. Saving for the future is important to ensure that you feel secure and prepared for the curveballs life throws at you, but saving without spending can also cause its own tensions. While money is often a proxy for other things like power, control and freedom, transparency can help overcome some of those issues.
Q: What’s the dating etiquette these days for paying the bill when you’re out somewhere like a bar or restaurant?
A: The norm for a long time was for the man to always take the check in hetero dating, but as women have become more independent and as queer dating has become more common, the etiquette is generally for the person who asked for the date to pay or for the daters to split the costs.
Q: What’s your sense about how like-minded couples need to be about money in order for the relationship to flourish?
A: Financial compatibility is important for today’s couples, but the most important element is communication and transparency. Couples need to be willing to be open and honest about their expenses and feelings about money. While couples don’t necessarily need to have the exact same approach to money, they need to be willing to compromise and meet their partner in the middle with tough choices around money.
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Rob’s personal finance reading list
Loud budgeting is a big hit
I’m fascinated by the amount of attention being given to a 2024 personal finance trend called loud budgeting, which means being upfront with friends and family about your desire to spend money carefully. Loud budgeting adds a cool trendiness to frugal living, which is a breakthrough. It’s the perfect answer when you want to opt out of an expensive outing with friends or family.
Introducing the restaurant reservation fee
All about the steps some Vancouver restaurants are taking to prevent no-shows, including charging reservation deposits or requiring prepayment of meals. Yeah, I just lost my appetite.
ETF update
If you follow my investing coverage, you’ll know that I’m a believer in exchange-traded funds as a core way to build portfolios. One challenge with ETFs is finding the right ones amid the 1,000+ funds listed on the Toronto Stock Exchange and many more on U.S. exchanges. Here’s a trio of ETFs for everyday investors, as chosen by the independent investment analysis company Morningstar. Now, for a look at what’s happening with returns for high interest savings account exchange-traded funds, a popular way to park cash in an investment account. Regulatory changes have affected returns for these funds.
They’re mortgage-free – now what?
A personal finance blogger on paying off his mortgage and the choices ahead. One option is to redirect mortgage payment money into retirement savings.
Tools, Explainers, Guides and Charts
A rundown on home inspections – what they cover and more. My wife and I have never bought a home without an inspection.
The Money-Free Zone
Who sings the best version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah? My vote goes to John Cale, an original Velvet Underground member who has had a long career in alternative music. Folks, it’s not close. Cale nails it.
On social media
A post on X with a surprise about the people who are filing for insolvency these days.
What I’ve been working on
- A tax hater’s guide to choosing between TFSAs and RRSPs
- A rising real estate market puts a ‘tax me’ sign on every house in the country
- A big bank’s dividend fund takes on an ETF competitor and takes care of business
More Rob Carrick and money coverage
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Even more coverage from Rob Carrick:
- 🎧 Catch up on Stress Test: Why millennials and Gen Z are Alberta-bound for a more affordable life • Rising interest rates brought pain for new homeowners - and opportunity for house hunters • Why more Canadians are choosing to be childfree or delay parenthood • Love in the time of inflation: How to manage rising costs when dating • You're not bad at money - you're suffering from money shame • Retirement might look different for Gen Z and millennials. Here's how to plan for it • Recession-beating tips for the job market, housing, investing and the cost of life • Is the middle class dead for millennials and Gen Z?
- ✔️ The housing file: A house isn't special. Get your head straight about the reality of home ownership • The good, the sad and the unaffordable: Saving for a home downpayment in Canada's big cities • Property taxes are popping in some cities - how worried should you be about other tax hikes? • Our other real-estate problem - people have too much wealth tied up in houses • Borrowers and savers, here's how to time the eventual rollback of interest rates
- 📈 Investing: Canada's top digital broker is TD Direct Investing, with an assist from the TD Easy Trade app • 2023 Globe and Mail ETF buyer's guide part one: Canadian equity ETFs • For the ultimate in cheap investing, check out the Freedom .08 ETF Portfolio • Yes, there is risk in Canadian bank deposits for the unwary and complacent • CDIC covers bank deposits, but who protects your investments if your broker goes bust? • Answers to your questions about the low-risk ETF paying almost 5% • Happy fifth birthday to one of the all-time best investing products for everyday people • An investing strategy that wins cleanly over the long term by outperforming in bad years like 2022
- 💰 Your money: Mortgage holders, savers and GIC investors, it’s time to change your thinking on interest rates • How much debt is each generation of Canadians carrying, and how do you compare? • For the sake of their financial futures, young people should leave Toronto and Vancouver • This practical new spin on a savings account might just peel you away from your big bank • Rental fraud grows amid rise in fake, falsified tenant applications • Are Canadians worse off financially now than in the 1980s? • From groceries to auto loans, here’s how much more it costs to live right now • When saving for retirement, should you change your asset mix over the course of your career? • Do retirement income needs always rise alongside inflation? Not necessarily • When the bank suggests you lock in your variable rate mortgage, it has an angle
Rob Carrick