Inviting 100 strangers for coffee and other ways to stave off loneliness

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Two months after Molly Ma landed in Vancouver from Shanghai, she anxiously put out a social-media post saying she would like to take strangers out for coffee. Her motive, stated in the post, was simple: to make friends in her new home city.

Soon after that post went online, on July 9, 2023, her phone did not stop buzzing. “I was surprised, and overwhelmed,” she says. “I was not able to reply to all the messages.”

Ms. Ma’s approach to looking for friends is a common one on Xiaohongshu, the Instagram-like app popular among Chinese youth where she’d made her post. The trend is called “inviting 100 strangers for coffee” by the app’s users, and has gained traction around the globe in recent years.

Ms. Ma’s move paid off: Four months after her post, the 28-year-old had arranged one-on-one coffee chats with more than 50 strangers in the city, and formed friendships with many of them.

While the inability to make new friends as an adult might seem like a small problem to some, it’s actually grown to become a very serious one around the world.

In May, United States Surgeon-General Dr. Vivek Murthy released an advisory calling loneliness, isolation and lack of connection “a public health crisis,” an alarming statement that was later echoed by the World Health Organization (WHO).

And while it may be common knowledge that loneliness can result in mental-health issues such as anxiety and depression, both Dr. Murthy and the WHO pointed out that it can also lead to physical-health threats as well. In fact, lack of social connection carries an equivalent, or even greater, risk of early death as other better-known factors – such as smoking, excessive drinking, physical inactivity, obesity and air pollution.

Even before these warnings, the City of Vancouver had identified the rise of loneliness and launched a range of initiatives aimed at addressing the problem. A report by the Vancouver Foundation, released in 2017, stated that 30 per cent of people between the ages of 18 to 24 were alone more often than they’d like. The organization noted in an earlier report in 2012 that people who have lived in Canada, or in their neighbourhood, for fewer than five years find it hardest to make friends.

This is, of course, the situation that Ms. Ma was in when she moved to the city. In an effort to avoid small talk and focus instead on the meaningful exchanges that would help her get to know people better, she said she and her coffee dates agree upon a subject to speak about in advance.

One of Ms. Ma’s favourite discussions was with a young woman about whether Korean pop dances overly catered to male gaze. The conversation was then broadened to feminism and misogyny. That four-hour chat showed Ms. Ma she’d found a kindred spirit.

The majority that said yes to Ms. Ma’s invitation were aged between 20 and 30 years old. They are either college students or young professionals. The younger coffee mates were interested in talking about career planning. Older ones wanted to talk about life transitions or providing care for aging parents living in Asia.

“Sometimes, regardless of one’s backgrounds or upbringing, there are way more similarities among us than we could have imagined,” Ms. Ma said.

The same strategy for meeting people also turned out to be a positive experience for Jay Wang, a 32-year-old software development engineer who’s had coffee meetups with more than 60 strangers from all walks of life.

When Mr. Wang sent out his post on Xiaohongshu in February, he had just been laid off by his previous employer. “I had time and I am curious about people’s lives in Vancouver.”

He had little expectation when he started, but he said he’s come to see the value in the conversations with strangers. “It has definitely broadened my horizon,” he said. “It has also helped me maintain curiosity and make my life more interesting.”

Mr. Wang’s conversations with these strangers can be as superficial as information exchanges on the best food in town, but they can also develop into deep discussions on beliefs, literature and meditation. Some of his coffee dates have become friends.

Kiffer Card, an assistant professor at Simon Fraser University whose areas of interest include the health effects of loneliness, social isolation and social disconnection, said talking to strangers is key to establishing a healthy social network.

“Research shows that not only are our close relationships beneficial to our health, but so are our casual, less formal connections,” Dr. Card wrote in an e-mail. “You won’t get the same benefits from a conversation with a stranger that you get from confiding in a best friend, but we probably underestimate the values of these connections.”

Although these coffee chats provide a platform for people to expand their social circle, they don’t necessarily produce close-knit friendships for everyone. Vivian Chen has taken 15 strangers out for coffee and, although she enjoyed each conversation, none has turned into a long-term friendship.

Ms. Chen moved to Vancouver from Taiwan at the age of 14. After living and working in the U.S. for 11 years, she found it extremely difficult to make like-minded friends in Vancouver when she moved back in 2021.

A shy person who does not enjoy speaking in a group setting, Ms. Chen thought coffee chats with strangers could be an ideal way for her to expand her social connections. Ms. Chen said many who replied to her post on Xiaohongshu are students or stay-at-home moms.

“They also want to know more people in the city … Sometimes, they simply want to talk to someone,” Ms. Chen said.

Given that the format hasn’t proved an efficient way for her to find like-minded friends, Ms. Chen said she’s considering other ways to pursue that goal – including joining some hobby groups.

Dr. Card said one of the biggest barriers to social connection is that people don’t prioritize it as much as they should.

Healthy social relationships and a sense of community are some of the most important determinants of health. But people don’t really push themselves to connect like they do to eat healthy or go to the gym, he said.

“If we want to be connected, we need to make it a priority in our lives.”