Illustration by Alex Siklos
Recently, and possibly over tables laden with turkey and pies, we remembered to pause to think about what we are thankful for. While giving thanks is important, what about saying “Thanks”?
In today’s “me first” society, uttering two simple words – “thank you” – seems to have fallen by the wayside for some people. Like its sibling “Please,” “Thank you” is one of the first things your parents teach you to say as a child. How many times have we heard parents ask their child, “And what do you say?” As comedian Amy Poehler wrote in her book, Yes Please, she likes when her kids are polite because “most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe.” And it’s true.
When you learn another language, “Thank you” is one of the first phrases you’re taught because it’s important in every culture. You may not know how to ask where the train station is when you’re travelling, but being able to say “Thank you” in a country’s native language shows your manners, which locals will appreciate. So, with all these teachings and reminders about saying “Thank you” throughout our lives, you would think it would be fully ingrained. But it’s not.
One of my pet peeves is going out of my way to hold a door open for someone behind me, and not being thanked for it. It happens many times a week en route to work – either at the entrance of my apartment building or at the subway station.
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I am sometimes tempted to say “You’re welcome,” to make people realize what they’ve forgotten to say, but I bite my tongue and forge ahead (while shaking my head). If they cannot recognize and acknowledge the considerate act of the stranger on their own, why force them to?
At times I think I’m being petty. After all, I live in a big city and at any given time, there are a lot of people trying to get from place to place in a hurry, sometimes with their eyes on their phone or with their earbuds in. What’s the big deal if I’ve waited to hold a door for a stranger so it doesn’t shut in their face, only to have them just sail through without a word or head nod?
Despite the spotty acknowledgement I receive, I knew I wasn’t going to let my manners fall by the wayside when I was on the other side of it.
When I was working in the financial district, I remember thanking a woman who had held the door open for me in a busy office building during the morning rush hour. Her reaction surprised me. She stopped in her tracks to tell me that no one ever thanks her for holding the door for them. I told her I don’t expect it from people, so when someone does it, I am grateful and want to express that.
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Perhaps what’s different today then is expectation. Maybe we have just come to expect things from and of others, so some people think that a “Thank you” is either implied or unnecessary. And this seems to have extended beyond courteous gestures. Haven’t we all worked at a place where we’ve poured a lot of time and energy into a project only to not have it acknowledged by the person who asked for it? (Even when “Thank you” comes up as a suggested response on most e-mail accounts now.)
Days later, I’ve sometimes had the awkward run-in with the project’s recipient and casually ask if they received the work. Often, I hear the classic caught-in-the-act lie of “Oh, I thought I responded” or a “Yes, I did,” followed by a reluctant sounding “thank you.”
In an article from the Harvard Business Review, executive coach Peter Bregman points out, “Saying ‘thank you’ doesn’t just acknowledge someone’s effort, thoughtfulness, intent, or action. It acknowledges the person himself.” He adds, “Acknowledging each other is our basic responsibility as human beings living in community with other human beings.” Or, as George Constanza on Seinfeld says, “You know, we’re living in a society. We’re supposed to act in a civilized way.”
Thank you for reading!
Debra Rughoo lives in Toronto.
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