How to ruin your league’s credibility in one step - hire Lionel Messi

Open this photo in gallery:

When Lionel Messi finally spoke on Thursday, he sounded like most Florida retirees. His family likes it there, the people are so nice, but the humidity? Yoy.

Aside from that, there wasn’t much to hold on to. There never is with Messi. The source of his greatness is twofold – his feet and his reticence. Messi has never offended anyone, because he has no opinions.

You’d think the US$50-million or so Inter Miami is paying Messi might include regular, brief remarks, but I guess not. It took him more than a month after joining Major League Soccer to make a formal address.

The occasion was Saturday’s final of the Leagues Cup – Miami vs. Nashville. You’ve never heard of it and neither has Messi. But he’s in it.

When asked what it would mean to him to win the (checks notes) Leagues Cup, Messi said in Spanish: “It would be impressive.” Those were the words, but the tone was, “Are you familiar with my CV?”

That was the tone all over – a soccer man addressing soccer children. No tough questions. No real stakes. All the reporters with their phones up trying to get a picture for the ‘gram. Guess where I am!! Poor Messi up front in an enormous captain’s chair looking like a kid who’s been cornered by a great aunt at Thanksgiving.

It’s mildly insulting, but the league seems to love it. The more Messi disdains it, the more it talks about how he is turning it into a big timer.

No question – it is fun to watch Messi running amok while defenders who’ve never seen his like stand and stare. But it’s also sad, for him and for us. The greatest in history has arrived to show the hicks of North America that they may have had soccer before, but they’ve never tried the good stuff.

Everyone expected Messi to have an impact, but he is 36. World Cups aside, his best-of-all-times days are a few years behind him. During his two seasons in France, he’d begun to drift to the periphery of games. And that’s not exactly the toughest competition.

But Messi has landed in North America like a planet killer. He’s scored nine goals in six games. He might’ve scored 19 if a few of his teammates had a better handle on where he likes the ball and when. That is to say, at his feet, not somewhere around his head, and when he’s about to arrive, not two seconds after he already has. Messi is incredible at Inter Miami despite many of his colleagues, not because of them.

When he showed up at the end of July, Miami was a disaster. It hadn’t won a game since May. It wasn’t dead last. It was whatever is worse than that. Double-dead last. Extra-dead last.

Since then, the team has had a performance surgence (not resurgence). Now it can’t lose. It is still last in the regular-season standing, but the bookies now have it fourth favourite to win a title.

Messi brought along two other ex-Barcelona men, Jordi Alba (34) and Sergio Busquets (35). He had the team hire an old Argentine pal as the new coach. This should be like one of those G-rated crime capers where a bunch of Army pals escape the retirement home and knock over a diamond syndicate. I’m picturing Morgan Freeman, Tommy Lee Jones and Michael Caine as Mick.

Instead, this three-quarter-speed trio is making everyone else in MLS look ridiculous, including their own teammates. What’s their advice to the next generation?

“[Messi & Co.] told us, ‘Oh, just maintain more your position, that the ball’s going to get to you,’” Miami forward David Ruíz said this week. ‘Stop running for the ball too much where you’re just trapping yourself’ – things like that.”

In other words, shut up, stand still and let the adults figure things out. We’ll get you the ball when we get you the ball. Things like that.

Shortly before Messi arrived, MLS commissioner Don Garber was wondering aloud about how this move will be evaluated in the long term.

“How does it speak to the reputation of the league?” Garber asked himself.

No need to wait for an answer – it tells you that despite all your trying, you are still the minor leagues. You’re a great spot for real ballplayers to semi-retire, make some sweet cash and be left alone.

Until now, MLS had the luxury of kidding itself about how far it had come from its David Beckham era. Beckham had too many miles on his clock by the time he showed up in L.A. He never looked much better than the players around him.

Since then, a few homegrown MLS players had gone on to full-time jobs at European clubs. The league’s most successful graduate is still Alphonso Davies – from Vancouver to superstardom at Bayern Munich.

So how different could the two things be? Maybe Vancouver was nearly as good as the best of the Bundesliga? Not as good, sure. But somewhere in the same neighbourhood.

Now that Messi’s here, fresh off a long summer vacation and in the mood to get back to work, the truth is being revealed. MLS is nowhere close. Not even to the second-best leagues in Europe. Messi and Friends are old dogs, but all their tricks work like new in this backwater.

Can Messi single-handedly win the league after spotting the competition 20 points with only a dozen regular-season games left to play? No, that should not be possible. Not in any serious sports competition. But it is in this one.

What a story that would be. Messi might even be forced to upgrade his opinion from “impressive” to “quite impressive.” That trophy might make its way out of the box and up on a shelf somewhere. Maybe in the garage.

Whether or not it happens, MLS is already being forced to ask itself some impossible questions. Like, what are we doing here? And why haven’t things improved? And if we’re not the best, and we’re never going to be the best, what’s the point?

Tough ones. Answering them is another thing they don’t pay Messi to do.